The Art of Dylan

Attendant: Looking me straight in the eyes, trying to grab onto something grounded within me, “Ready?!”

Me: Grasping at the grounded piece he sees within my eyes, I gulp and nod, “Yes”. It’s as if my hands are not a part of my body, as I scooch my bum hesitantly like a skipping CD Rom across the confined and cramped plane’s floor.

A hefty latch is snatched by the attendant, wrenched down, and the deafening vast slide of the door catches my breath. There it is. The void that has the needles on my skin sharpened, and the elastic in my spine rigid.  The same breath that left me, still has not returned as I stare out into the clouds. No time to think as my legs find their way to the edge, and dangle off. My feet guide themselves to the wing. I take one last look at the attendant who impatiently nods his head. No smile on his face, and no room for smiles at this point in the journey.  His face was as serious as someone in charge of a pivoting moment in your life. At this point, I forgot my friends were behind me with their backs on the wall of the tiny plane watching every unyielding movement I made. Again, as if I am not in control, my hands stretch out in front of me and grab the top of the wing.

At this moment, the reality hit me. I had to execute the rest of the plan. This was a dream of mine, and the only thing between me and completing this is my fear. When has fear ever stopped me before? With tenacity and purpose, I grip the wing and slide my feet. Never letting go, just slightly loosening my grip, sliding my hand, sliding my foot, tightening my grip, allowing the left hand and foot to follow suit. One last look. The attendant looks at me, behind me, below me, and back at me. Thumbs up. Eyes wide, I look at my hands as if praying to the god I do not believe in to allow my hands to let go. I have come too far. I cannot walk back to the safe space of that small plane.

Just like shooting a gun, deep breathe in, and on the exhale I let go. I’m flexible, so the big backwards C we are supposed to create with our bodies may have been overkill on my part. However, when you’re in the big leagues, you must give it all you have.  Spin once, see the plane, spin twice, see the plane, almost instinctual I wrenched on the rip cord. It worked! Heart pounding, but my parachute worked! Crying, and it worked! Hysterically laughing, because it fricken worked!

Looking out, around me. Suddenly, everything I just went through flew away.  Fear didn’t exist, any double guessing was silenced, and I was at peace. I was flying, I was air, I was a bird. There is a deafening silence up there, that filled me with love as I gawked over the beautiful lay of the land. You’d think the sound of whooshing would be overwhelming like when the car windows are down, and that you’d fall so fast there’d be no chance to revel in mother nature. That is extremely false. Floating like a feather, I was able to think and feel a sense of belonging to Mother Earth I have never felt before. Happiness overwhelmed me, and again I cried, and I laughed. I was so full in that very moment. So very filled with enlightened fullness I felt as if a cloud was enraptured around me just enough to feel comforted. Yet not too much, where I could still see all that the beautiful world could offer a meager Human Being, and how damn lucky I was to be a part of its orchestra.

Then, my chest squawked. Does ground control always bother people while they are up here basking in this elegance? No, just in my case. “Ma’m, you need to find a place to land.”

-“What do you mean find a place to land, don’t you have an X for me?”

-“Well,” pause, “Ma’m”, silence, “The attendant dropped you off to early.” Static, waiting, static, finally, ” You are too far from the platform, you will need to find a place to land.”

…..

-“Ma’m, do you understand?”

– Gulp, heart pounding again, gulp again, deep breathe, “Yes.” No quiver in voice- only determination.

– “Okay then, tell me what you see and walk me through your decision on where to land.”

-“To my left is a stretch of large Pine Trees I cannot see past. In front of me is a field, but a small stretch of Pine Trees I may be able to get over in time. To my right is a field, but there is a powerline I also may be able to get over in time. In case I do not make it over the obstacle in time, I will choose in front of me – the Pine Trees.”

– Long Audible breath drawn out by ground control with his thumb on the stupid walkie talkie, “Good, okay, good choice. Now, everything we taught you about landing…” Long pause, finger off the button… “forget it. I am going to tell you when to flare, but you need to tell me when you are about to enter the trees – if it comes to that.” He emphasized IF. He knew I wouldn’t make it over the trees. Click, he’s back, “Oh! Also, tell me when you are at 1500 feet.”

-“Ok.”

I close my eyes, take in the pure air. Deep breathe in my nose, fill my chest to the point of feeling it may pop, and slowly exhaling out of my mouth. Let it fill my body as if rapidly meditating within seconds. The air is illuminating making my body calm and light like the feather I was floating as. That Blip is over, and now the determination that solely runs my life has taken over. I am erect, alert, and ready.

– Click, “I just hit 1500 feet.”

-“Okay, slowly tug on your right. Okay, good. Now, your left, okay good. Right. Good. Left. Good. Right. Left. Right. Left. Stop tugging.”

2 seconds later.

 

-“Entering trees soon”

 

_”Wait.”

 

…2 more seconds…

 

-“FLARE!”

 

Just as in the beginning, my hands had a mind of their own. They white knuckle gripped the toggles and squeezed them tightly down to my face. I’d like to think the flare counter acted my forward speed allowing me to survive this moment.

Darkness. Blacked out, but not long enough to ignore what happens next. SMACK, WHACK, CRACK, SLIP, BANG, SPANK, SNAP. My back bending over and over into that backwards C from before, but involuntary this time as it curves over tree trunks and branches. BOOM, smack dab on my back on the forest floor. Leaves whooshing high and moving out of my way. If a tree falls in the woods does it make a sound?

Before I could even think, “DO NOT MOVE. WE ARE COMING FOR YOU. CAN YOU HEAR ME? ARE YOU OKAY?”

My body is in an X. Unsure if I am paralyzed. Positive I just came back to, after my fourth concussion. Do I do it? Should I check if I can move? What if I can’t, do I want to know in this moment, alone on the forest floor, if I am paralyzed? I took a moment to look straight ahead of me at the snapped branches, and otherwise unbothered realm of my existence and bother into their existence. Big exhale. I guess now is better a time than ever. I wiggle my left toes and move my knee a bit. IT WORKS! Exhale. The right side responds the same. A tear of excitement rolls down my cheek. Left fingers, hand, and elbow are wiggled with positive feedback. Now for the right. Same positive feedback.

-“Hello, Dylan, are you there?”

 

-“Yes, yes I am here.”

 

-“Are you hurt?”

 

-“I do not believe so.” Although in healthcare, I completely forgot adrenaline’s role in pain.

At this point, everything after felt like a dream- a whirlwind. I didn’t really speak much, and I have no clue if I was spoken to. They rescued me from the entanglement I was in and brought me to the back of the truck. I sat with the ground control man on our bumpy dirt road ride back to the compound. There I stripped the rest of my equipment off, and walked around aimlessly for a moment before heading towards the landing pad to watch my other friends land safely and with big smiles on their face. I was unable to tell them at that moment what happened.  The first friend to land was nice enough to tell me I had a humongous rip in my ass-crack area. The men at the compound didn’t tell me, although I was there for a while.

After all of us landed, and were unequipped, we sat down in the room that started it all. The tiny room, maybe a bit larger than the space inside the plane, possessed a few chairs and an old school television. That was the television that gave us 8hrs of education on static-line sky diving. He debriefed us all, and this is the point my friends learned briefly about my trauma. The attendant then had the audacity to tell me, that I took too long on the wing of the plane. No apologizes, no ownership, and no wondering if I am okay. Still in shock, adrenaline still pumping, and the realization that I legally signed my life away before attempting the jump made me feel like a kid trapped in a glass bubble as I sat there and listened to this man.

Still in a daze, I entered the back of my friend’s car. They raved and ranted about their experience as I stared out the window listening to the static of the radio.

I stayed high on adrenaline for the rest of the night. Upon waking, my middle to lower spine was in immense pain. I went to urgent care, because that pain was both achy and sharp, stabbing and throbbing. At that time, the dermal piercings in my chest did not allow for an MRI. However, they were able to visualize with an X-ray that nothing was broken. She gave me muscle relaxers, pain medication, and a light activity note for work.

I called in for 3 shifts at the hospital, and the next week continued light activity. This was at a time when I worked nights, and had 9am, 11am, 2pm, and 6pm classes during the day. I could not afford to be out of work, and I did not like the way those medications made me feel. So, I google. I searched for hours and hours until I landed on yoga and meditation. Those two acts saved my back and changed my life.

Up until this point, I was a daredevil. I owned the fallacy that I could do all and nothing bad would happen to me. Like I said, that was my fourth concussion. I’ve played with too many dangers, and I had to be scared into reality.

Bungee jumping, traveling to a foreign country to volunteer and almost get “taken”, free running in the woods, cliff jumping, jumping off train tracks into a river, drifting in the snow, drifting on an icy lake, crashing a snowmobile, crashing a jet ski, catching 7 feet of air off ski jumps, skiing so fast on slalom courses to the point of yard sales, driving fast and swerving for a deer while totaling my car, and many more. . .

For some reason, my friends that crossed to the other side, or some other unforeseen reason I have been kept safe and lucky. Every day since that moment, I thank the powers that be.

Risks in my life after this still occur. My life without risks, is not my own. My risks now days are different. I use my fear to my advantage. I acknowledge it, use it to educate me, and if I proceed it’s through a clearer mind than ever before.